I feel it necessary to smash some myths about the fine bastion of education I am supposed to be attending. In that, as should be patently obvious by virtue of the fact that I am here, it is fully of a load of nutty piss heads, not snooty intellectuals. Here are some examples of high-brow birthday poetry written by some friends of mine, both of whom will allegedly be M.A (Hons) in English in three years time:
On young Katy’s twenty first (minus two, oops)
She had an incredible thirst
She drank so much
that she showed me her crotch
So i told her that it was the worst
(hun, well I tried – Matt x)
Happy Birthday to a sexy girl
Who likes to dance and have a whirl
Tonight we’ll go to the Raddy Arms pub
Have a good time and get some good grub
Then later if we get the chance
We’ll end up in Park End for a dance!
This chick likes to have fun at a serious rate
So probably we’ll come home rather late
Have a wicked birthday Katy mate!
See what a bunch of utter nutters I keep company with :-))
Another year older, another year not very much wiser. Only one more year left of teenagehood – better get my zimmer frame out quick, kids!
As a fully indoctrinated student, courtesy of last week’s all-nighter, and this week’s bogsheet (college gossip mag posted in the loos), I hereby present to you:
The Faffing Olympics:
- Work Schedule: Competitors design a complex and ambitious work plan for the next few days, ignoring the fact that they are already failing to meet it by spending half an hour marking it out in red pen. Points awarded for detail, illustration, and use of more than one coloured ink.
- The Tour de Library: Under the pretext of looking for books, competitors complete an entire cycle of the library, seeing who is around. Points awarded for looking busy, trying to open doors the wrong way, and having pointless conversations with fellow competitors.
- Chair Hopping: Competitors must complete a cycle of the table without touching it or the floor. Complexity of route is rewarded, and the best time recorded. Extra points are earned if people are ont he chairs at the time.
- E-mail Check: One of the long distance events, competitors must justify the need to check their e-mail for the 10th time that day, and earn points by managing to stay at the terminal for over half an hour, despite having no new e-mails.
- Snack Attack: With all the shops shut, the challenge is to create an original snack from whatever you have lying around. Probably to become a different ball game with the introduction of a microwave, records include pasta sandwiches and ‘Smash’ instant mashed potato pancakes.
- The Balance: Tilting the chair back as far as possible, the competitor must attempt to stay on 2 legs for as long as possible while letting go of anything stable. A high risk event.
- Bin Basketball: A game of skill, int his event competitors must throw screwed up bits of paper into the bin from as far away as possible. Extra points are rewarded if you throw up important notes or essay plans and have to redo them.
- The Roll: This event consists of travelling the length of the upper floor of the library doing forward rolls, in the shortest time possible. Variations include the cartwheel and the chicken step run. A recovery period is advised after this one.
Satan lives in my college. Yes, Beezlebub himself is residing at Somerville College in the guise of a black cat. But this is no ordinary feline friend. Oh no. The lord of the underworld is masquerading as Pogo the college tabby, who prowls the grounds waiting to pounce on unsuspecting freshers. You see, he gets you to think he’s being friendly, when actually what he’s planning to do is to leap on your shoulders and wrestle you to the ground, till you’re fearing for your very life. And just when you decide to sack enough work for the day, and leave the library to head for the soothing land that is the Bar, you see the beast at the threshold, hissing and spitting at you, blocking your path, so there’s nothing to do but to make a run for it and hope that you don’t fall prey to his evil design for at least a few more days. Can you tell I’m not a cat person?