how to sing along to the um bongo advert

The Um Bongo Song

Way down deep in the middle of the Congo,
A hippo took an apricot, a guava and a mango.
He stuck it with the others, and he danced a dainty tango.

The rhino said, “I know, we’ll call it Um Bongo”,
Um Bongo, They drink it in the Congo.

The python picked the passion fruit, the marmoset the mandarin.
The parrot painted packets, that the whole caboodle landed in.

So when it comes to sun and fun and goodness in the jungle,
They all prefer the sunny funny one they call “Um Bongo”.

how to pre-empt absence (mark II)

I’m also swiitching hosts too, so there’ll be some downtime/power outaged here at kitschbitch towers, hopefully with no major upsets (famous last words….)

how to make everyone go ‘not again!’

go back to uni and commence a temporary blogging exodus by having two exams. bye chickens, see you shortly!

how to be good customer when having a pedicure

so we’re chatting about old times, and catching up on what we’ve all been up to, and my friend lucy tells us about her spell working as a beauty therapist. being the slightly gory people that we are, we start to ask questions of a mildly icky nature: “did you have to pop pimples?”, “did you have to do minging bikini lines?”, “what about hairy backs?”. so lucy obliges by telling the story of the day that made up her mind that actually, she didn’t really want to be doing this. this bloke comes in for a pedicure, and he had the worst feet in the world. that’s cheesy feet. with real foot-cheese hanging off. genuine ming. she’s trying to do her job but keeping as great a distance from said feet as she can, as she’s practically heaving their general crustiness and odour. customer in question is being very kindly, enquiring if she’s alright, as she looks somewhat ill. so ladies and gentlemen, if you’re off to the beauty salon, it’s not expected that you do your own mini-pedicure before you leave, but a little scrubbing, and, well, general washing, would be appreciated. I speak on behalf of odour-suffering beauty therapists the world over. I thank you for you time.